Let me start by saying that I am extremely proud of my sister. My sister has proven time and time again to be someone who does not merely feel passionately about social and humanitarian issues, but also acts to respond to them. She doesn’t just talk the talk, she also walks the walk. The minute I announced that I was moving to Malawi to work in development, my sister also announced that she wanted to do something to help. The plan was that I would make a connection with a worthy cause that spoke to her, and then she would go from there with a fundraiser of sorts in Canada.
After being here for a week, I began the hunt for an opportunity where my sister’s interest and compassion would be useful.
I found Chikondi Orphan Care. At first I overlooked the needs of the many orphans living in and around Lilongwe. I felt that it was an issue that must be already addressed by numerous organizations. I was wrong.
Chikondi Orphan Care is an orphanage that is a few blocks (well, windy dirt roads) from my office. It serves close to 1000 orphans. None of them sleep at the orphanage as it just does not have the capacity. The little children come in the mornings for informal schooling and a feeding program of basic maize porridge. In the afternoon, the older kids come after school for some rice and beans. The orphanage cannot provide the kids with the clothes, school materials and fees that they so desperately need.
When I presented the idea of working to help Chikondi, my sister immediately jumped at the idea. There are so many needs, that she can choose to work on any aspect that she feels connected to.
My job was to return to the orphanage, get to know some of the kids, learn more about some of their stories, find out what their needs are – and send that information to her.
Last week I went back to do that. I spent part of the morning playing with children from ages two to six. They are so funny and alive! They sang some songs and then just sort of ran around. I had a chance to learn more about some of their lives through my co-worker who was interpreting. In the afternoon, some of the older kids came by my office and again I had the chance to hear more about their lives.
I now feel incredibly overwhelmed. Before starting this process and while talking with my sister about the idea of trying to help I had a very simplistic view of how this would work. I was ascribing to the mantra I have often heard people use in humanitarian work: that every little bit helps, and that we cannot help everyone, so choices have to be made. I used to think that made sense. But I just cannot follow that approach anymore. After talking with those children I do not understand how we are going to choose. I want this to be a successful project for my sister – a way for her to feel like she is contributing to an important cause – which she is. And I also want her to know that whatever money or materials she raises will be an incredible gift. But now I am worried: what if it is not enough.
How will we be able to choose which girl gets a new skirt, which boy gets a toy to play with, which boy gets pencils and paper enabling him to go to school? I do not think that I can be the one to make those choices.
Before coming to Malawi I knew that every child deserves all the gifts and opportunities in life to succeed, but I am ashamed to admit that it took this trip to really start to believe that. I feel like a cliché that only after seeing the orphans do I feel more compassion toward this place and the environment that I am living in. But I am hoping that so long as the lesson is learned that is all that matters. I feel internally conflicted, guilty, ashamed, angered, and sad about the challenges that face so many beautiful people every day. I know that choices are inevitable in this type of work - but there has to be another way. I cannot make that choice.
If you want to know more, ask my sister.
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oh what heart-wrenching decisions! to both our chagrin, I know that if we are to continue to work/volunteer for any "cause" we have to learn how to deal with these feelings, learn boundaries, how to consistently self-care so that we don't burn out and even be open to some setbacks (I was going to write "defeats" but I think defeat implies stopping after having met with an obstacle and I don't think either of us want to approach things that way.)
I am not in Africa and can only imagine what you must be confronted with. I am working in a much more structured, consistently funded environment but am dealing with the same things. I can never help everyone who needs help. You've probably heard this saying before - it's one that I really try to apply to life and especially my work: I am only one, but still I am one (Helen Kellar.) That being said, I am struggling with actually internalizing that and making it part my belief system. I am finding that it is - obviously - much easier to live by these words when things are going well and often times, when things aren't going well, I question how I can make any difference at all and if it is worth even trying. Have you talked to Christine about all this? I imagine she could offer some advice (then come back and tell me about it.)
Remember, how at the end of trainings, we'd do checkouts and ask how people were going to self-care that particular nite? How are YOU self-caring? What did you do yesterday? What are you going to do today? I am having HUGE problems with doing this for myself because everything else seems to be a bigger priority (and some things ARE big priorities) than taking some time for myself. As a wise old man (Kennedy, who's actually younger than me - ha!) recently intimated, sometimes you have to leave the room you're in that has all those big priorities/to-do lists and just go into "the other room next door" and take some time for yourself. It doesn't mean that the big things disappear, but it does mean that you don't have to wait until you finish everything (like solve the world's problems, which is an honourable, but tiring pursuit, non?) to take some time to rejuvenate and care for yourself. I, personally, like to get the everything done and finished with first AND THEN, if there is any time/strength left for it, do something for myself. THis is why this analogy is EXTREMELY useful for me. Please let me know if it doesn't make sense because, when properly used and understood, I think it applies wonderfully to both our situations.
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